A Modest Proposal for Public Employees
On Tuesday February 23, 2021, the Republican controlled state senate in West Virginia passed a bill that effectively puts a halt to future teacher strikes in the state.
The bill declares, “Public employees in West Virginia have no right, statutory or otherwise, to engage in collective bargaining, mediation, or arbitration, and any work stoppage or strike by public employees is hereby declared to be unlawful.”
While this bill may seem to an ignorant bystander like an infringement of public employees’ civil liberties including both the freedom to assemble and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances — I assure you, this is not the case!
What appears to be an affront to fundamental civil liberties and the constitutional rights of public servants is in fact a dramatic extension of freedom for everyone from legislators to parents and, perhaps most importantly, the children!
Let me explain.
We are now free from the coercive influence of public employees using their vicious voices to audibly assault our lawmakers — let alone their audacious accosts with strident signs at our officials’ offices in Charleston.
Delegates and senators are now free from potentially having to encounter legislative subjects — and our legislation is thereby free from all the negative effects that stem from wildcat public participation.
It’s hard to believe, but I read a disturbing statistic that made me wonder what we do when teachers strike… According to a 2018 survey from the Department of Education, “around 94% of public-school teachers report spending their own money on supplies.” That means only 6% of classrooms are fully supplied when teachers go on strike!
This bill that the state senate passed will free our legislators and our children from worrying about whether our schools will have all the supplies they’ve come to depend on — because teachers will always be in the classroom with those self-supplied supplies.
I think I’ve made my point. This bill isn’t anti-First Amendment. This bill is pro-freedom and pro-children!
My only question is: why stop there?
I have but a modest set of addendums that I’d like to propose, just for more freedom and for the children.
First, I hear lots of people are tired of wondering whether our tax dollars are going towards paying some public employee who is harboring the potential to “go postal” — even worse if they go postal around children!
To prevent that, they could pass a law to ensure that public employees and their homes are subject to random searches — and we could force all public employees to register any and all weapons they may own.
Second, because regular searches don’t reveal everything, we may want to compel public employees to turn in their emails, chat correspondences, text messages, and personal journals or diaries, along with Fitbit and GPS data to be reviewed regularly for any sort of dangerous or aberrant or criminal behavior or tendencies. Ankle monitors could be a good addition to this, but maybe not right away.
Third, this Republican bill has established that we don’t want any teachers to miss class for any reason (think of the children’s school supplies!). To really ensure this, we could suspend habeas corpus if a teacher is accused of a crime, and simply hold the trial without them. Really, they should only be taken out of class if and only if they’re proven guilty. Fortunately, guilt would be easy to prove with all of their correspondences and personal diaries and GPS data and such (ankle monitors would go a long way here!).
In a sort of related matter (at least as regards the children): what if West Virginia is invaded and we didn’t have the budget to house our national guards? What would the children do then? They wouldn’t be safe unless we could house the national guard while staying in our budget. I think it’s obvious where I’m going with this fourth proposal. Teachers should quarter our national guard in times of necessity. This protects the budget and our children. You’re welcome.
If all this seems tyrannical, or like I’m suggesting we throw out the whole Bill of Rights for anyone who decides to become a public servant just to make sure that we never have to deal with the political fallout of ignoring constituents again — you’d be way off base.
You see, by keeping public employees like teachers in line and under constant scrutiny, all we are doing is in fact securing more freedom for you and me — and of course the children!
And since elected officials are paid by our tax dollars just like teachers, these laws would of course extend to all of our lawmakers, just to make sure they never waste a dime of our taxes — and that they are always tirelessly working to secure MORE FREEDOM. FOR THE CHILDREN.
The Republican bill to stop teachers strikes in West Virginia is a good start for our freedom and our children and our children’s freedoms — but I think it’s all lip service without the modest addendums I have proposed here.
